YTR-4335 GII: Note to Myself

December 2019

When I was 17 I had this foolish idea of learning to play the trumpet. In hindsight, I think I just wanted to impress my philosophy teacher, a saxophone player who used to fill his classes with references about Charlie Parker and Sonny Clark. In my defense, however, I was already making music at that time, producing Jazzy Hip Hop instrumentals, before people started using them as background music for their study sessions. But, as successful as it was, I kept feeling like something was missing, and learning to play an instrument, in my head, seemed like an easy way out.
It was of course, a disaster.

As soon as I moved to Milan one year later, I stopped taking classes and locked my trumpet in its case until a later date.
Practicing was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I used to stand before the wardrobe in my bedroom, exhaling sounds inside of it, in an attempt to keep it as quiet as possible, worrying about others; putting other people’s peace of mind before mine.
For years I convinced myself that I wasn't cut out for that. Not devoted or patient enough to attune myself to such a loud instrument, always, triumphantly, proclaiming its existence—no matter how much I sucked.

Whenever I go back to Rome, I look at it, taking it out from its case; blowing some short notes, just to be sure it’s still working. And as time goes on, I still ask myself what went wrong back then. Bad timing, for sure. I wasn’t ready for that. Too fragile, low self-esteem, etc. you name it. And indeed, I like to think of that instrument as the projection of something else; as the embodiment of my self-confidence; as a piece of me still in its infancy. But I don’t know if I want to turn that piece of gold brass into a promise. Something like “I will come back to you one day!”. Even though, I know I’d like to get there one day.

[I am sorry to interrup. This can go on forever. I’ll never make up my mind about it. Anyway, I’m quite sure this is not and won’t become a redemption story. I'll keep you posted though. xoxo.]